I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I HAVE 5 FELTING NEEDLES AND THEYRE GOING DIRECTLY INTO YOUR EYES IF YOU POST THAT SHIT
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
Found your bra in my backseat. And yes it took me that long to finally clean it out from last weekend
Didn't even know it was missing, if that makes you feel any better
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