Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I think the puke all over the side of my car actually improves its appearance.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Poorly worded request for dick pic resulted in stoned beanie selfies and "lol". Miscommunication is the devil's cock block.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
