Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
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