great time with ya sorry i wasn't one of the three guys you wanted to stay with
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I drove you home. there is no excuse for wrecking your car 3 hours later.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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