if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again
I wish there were birth control emojis
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Can you check on Mike in the bathroom. It's been like 20 min.
He's fine. He's just standing at the trash can in line for another beer from the keg. Nbd.
You are one of my favorite baseball you have fun today
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
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