let's just say, the carpet matched the drapes. in colour and length.
My underwear smells like fireworks.
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You know if we weren't hooking up I think we'd actually be friends
I think God is sending me all these 20 year olds to make up for wasting my 20's in that crappy ass marriage. Thanks Big Guy!
You know it's time to call it a night when every guy in the bar (all 3 of them) have seen you naked at one time or another.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
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