I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
I don't have patience to seek someone out and try to decipher whether or not I think I'd want to actually have their dick in my face.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
High water is the most godliest tasting water in the world.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I just Miyagied my roommate through her first set of tit pics. Her fuck buddy owes me.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Randomize
