I got chris browned last night
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
i called her out for picking her nose in public and he still wonders why i don't like her!
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
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