I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
Yep Great. Apparently I didn't just say things once that night. Drink. Yell. Repeat.
U also mentioned u werent wearing any underwear hahahaha
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Randomize
