Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.
There's an old guy having a conversation with his penis in the bathroom right now.
You're too morally constrained. I firmly believe that you should be less concerned with how young she is and more excited by the fact that she's not jailbait by virtue of a legal technicality.
I WAS KIDDING ABOUT SLUTEMBER BUT ITS ACTUALLY HAPPENING
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
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