I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
Randomize