hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
If we accept the love we think we deserve do we also accept the sex we think we deserve?
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I think I'm just going to get a farm, a vibrater, and a lot of wine.
A world without bacon flavored condoms is not one I want to live in.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
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