Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Randomize
