NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Tell the cops to let you through! Tell them you need to do drugs!
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
