dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
You took a selfie with my hard dick and sent it to Scott with the caption 'Toldja'. It was hard to forget you're a teenager after that
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
We are taking a shrt nap on the sidewalk cme fine me if you want but dont wake me up
Randomize