I hate you but I'm not in hate with you
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I feel like an elephant shit on me and left me to be miserable
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Had a job interview today. Walked into the room and said "IT'S GO TIME, BITCHES".
Boredom is so much more tolerable when you're stoned off your ass.
Randomize
