im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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