T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Wanna skype?
Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
