If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv
we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
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