i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
If you send me one more .gif of that fumble, I will make the 10 hour drive just to set you on fire.
Randomize
