I am in a vortex of obligation.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
And this is weird.. I feel slightly less depressed after shitting myself.
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
My mom just told me not to dance on any tables on Halloween...I'm choosing to take that statement as a joke
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
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