I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
totally just stole a 24 pack straight out of the miller truck
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
However, pretty glad I spent the night puking on my car instead of fucking him. Then I'd REALLY be miserable.
Why did you buy a cock ring?
I’m going to propose to his penis
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