nosebleed girl is getting lots of praise
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I made a google map for "places I got blow jobs"
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.
Wearing a french maid costume for Halloween sure did help me meet girls
Dude, they all thought you were gay.
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
please come back they are interrogating me about masturbation
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
If he refers to me as slump buster one more fucking time.
All i remember from last night was that i was sitting on the toilet for a good hour eating a philly cheesesteak hotpocket... then i woke up... in my bed.
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
Randomize
