I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Oh yes there is. Now I'm the sad one. Please organize my life. And I will demoralize yours.
He left in the middle of the night, he left his shoes behind and stole my doc martens..size 6 female. Wtf?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
All I need is to get out and get laid
Yeah mom sounds like a good idea! Now send that message to the person it was ment for
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
