i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He initiated the conversation by sending me a picture of his penis at 4 am
Yes. I'm realizing that sports games are good reasons to drink. I just cheer when everyone else cheers.
I was sitting here smiling wondering why i'm so fucking happy at work. cookie has kicked in
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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