have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I have a way to get him back. you're going to have to take one for the team and make a visit to the health department. you in?
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Randomize
