i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
And i was thinking, 'i'm happy to be underneath you, but i wish you weren't doing THAT.'
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
I think he may actually care that I call him slampiece instead of his real name. Who knew he had feelings?
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