five shots of tequila, anal and 3 cigarettes. not my best idea on a saturday afternoon.
it was like eating out sand paper
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position
I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
So this 40 year old woman was trying to bring me into the bathroom to blow me and the bartender called the cops on her because she was showing her tits. Only in asbury.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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