So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Gatorade without vodka just doesn't taste the same
He told us when he was 10 he started shoving bars of soap up his ass for pleasure so i winked at him
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