Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Only you two could pull off a partner swap with honeymooners
Can you bring home bongs? Like all the bongs. I need bongs
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
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