PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
Well right now I am watching him use the fire extinguisher off the pourch.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
