I mean I'm basically single. Or maybe just an asshole. Either way.
We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
I think a van full of parolees just blew me kisses. Thoughts?
You screamed 'no, YOU put some pants on' at a cop. I pretended not to know you.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Randomize