hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
laying in bed listening to christian music, jealous of the hope they have for their life. also need to beat off, can i think about you?
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
Weekdays seemed more exciting when I had a drinking problem. Like I had something to look forward to at night.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
I stopped telling people I'm a pansexual unless they ask first, really tired of explaining what that means.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
Randomize
