How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
we're making bets on your personal life
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
do u know what happened to the bottles last night?
apparently we hid them.... i google mapped the location into my phone
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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