I don't plan to be alive for 2010 so ima say this 12 hours early. Happy New Year bitches
He woke me up at 3 am kneeling on the floor pissing and yelling, then he passed out and stole my comforter. I want a new roommate...
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?
There is a hatefuck that has the destruction level of an atom bomb raging through my viens just aching to vaporize her.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
I would have dumped her already but between the 4 hr bjs and our shared love of enjoying thirsty Thursday naked while watching basketball I'd say its the best shot at love ill ever have
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
Being pregnant feels like you have a hangover everyday.. Don't listen to what anyone says about how wonderful it is
THIS IS AN AMERICAN HORROR STORY I CAN'T FIND MY VIBRATOR ANYWHERE WHICH MEANS I LOST IT WHEN I MOVED WHICH MEANS MY POOR VIBRATOR IS OUT THERE IN THE WORLD ALL ALONE RIGHT NOW WHAT AM I GOING TO DO
i thought this was a perfectly normal conversation between two adult men about why this children's cartoon is quality television but no you just gotta be talking shit again
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
