please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
Then. Omg he showed me A CARD TRICK AFTER WE CAME
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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