ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
My therapist says she wants to work on my 'trust issues'. I think she's found the cash cow within.
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???
As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
Randomize
