I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
i freaking love being in a circle of guys. if i fart none of them suspect me.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
Confirm for me that it's be a bad idea to sleep with the 50 year old that's currently hitting on me?
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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