i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I think I've had more sex in your bed than you have and I've only been here three days
He played Harry Potter Fan Fiction videos to get me in the mood. He might be the one.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
Randomize
