sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Randomize
