3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
Even the bartender felt bad for me
Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
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