??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
