my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
Please don't try and hook up with one of your high school teacher's friends
what are you getting to drink for new years?
well seeing as how i just got diagnosed with a uti, whatever we can mix with cranberry juice
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
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