Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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