i need an iv and a liver transplant
ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people
There are going to be so many Snookis this Halloween that I might just dress as the guy that hit her and punch them all in the face
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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