So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
He put his burrito in the bag with his dildo.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
Whats spookier? Halloween or waking up to a drunk text from your ex telling you how awesome you are at 2am
I didn’t say it was classy, I said it was sexy
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