There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Can I borrow your pants?
WTH?
Just come to the men’s room and help me. The blonde bartender figured out I’m married. Rachel will definitely notice if come home pantsless
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
He flipped a shopping cart in the back room and had to leave to make a jazz playlist. If we aren't in love then i don't know what love is.
Randomize
