ive been sending my husband naked pics of my whole body from my phone..its a work phone. do you think our boss can see? if so, im either getting fired, or a raise.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Randomize
