so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
The strip club called, they have your shoe.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
Randomize
