guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
I'm gonna have to get a lube sherpa.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
There's just something classy about smoking a blunt in a prom dress.
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