While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
Tried killing a moth in our bathroom. Water everywhere. Don't worry about it.
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I didn't notice because vodka
i need some food
Holy shit I forgot about you stabbing him.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
My ex-wife, who I haven't heard from since the divorce, just Amazoned me cherry flavored massage oil and a rainbow caps with the message "Happy Pride". What's the polite response?
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
How bad is it that I can say that this isn't the first time a married man, who is in the military, has tried to make me his mistress?
Randomize
