I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Or I die of a heart attack, which is the more likely/less fun scenario.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The yoga party turned into an underwear party because we are all incompetent when it comes to tying bed sheets.
This has been a Party Success Story
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
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