I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
I feel uncomfortable when she gargles my jizz.
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I solemnly swear to help bail you out of jail when you throw a dildo at a politician.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
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