Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
just put cider in my bong. gotta love fall
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
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