On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion
I just can't deal with that sentence
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I feel like the physical embodiment of the pot leaf eyes smiley face
Randomize
