Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
from now on my penis is your penis
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
i was trying to find the best way to say come over and have sex, without saying it.
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
ughh I puked about 4 times on metro, no one seems to like the cool design I made on my shirt
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
It was a crazy night: tears were shed, blood was spewed, and bottles were emptied.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
