this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?
FUCK YOU MAN
She left a blanket, pillow, a glass of water, and two advils in the bathroom for me. It's like she knew. Best room mate ever.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
So if I run into you on the street, I'm supposed to just stop drop and suck your dick?
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
Randomize
