My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
Not sure if it's my shorts, hat, shoes, hair or soul but one of the above just got me drunk again from the glorious aroma of Keystone Light.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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