can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
HE’S PUKING UP BLOOD
okay all good I mistook strawberita for blood...
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