Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
Randomize
