Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
i already hear my dad disowning me
he's going on about how he's going to treat me right and wants to let himself be in love with me and spend a lot of time together. kids these days. like its not about sex anymore. i'm confused.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
You know that text I sent you last night at 2? That was 5 minutes before I ran face first into a wall of not okay
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
