She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I just called my mom 'Napoleon bronaparte'. I need to stop hanging out with you.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
