At a strip club after monster truck rally. You should be here
Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
Don't worry, I'm sure your thrusting skills are on point.
Apparently I'm some kind of sexual camel.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
