1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.
If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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