Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I'm drinking Dom Perignon from the bottle with a straw just to piss of some french dude.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.
That's the only definition of lonely that I know.
At one point I was waiting in line for the port o potties and a storm trooper came out of one and sprayed me in the face with a water gun
Like that actually happened I wasn't hallucinating
I think our prof has caught onto our drinking game. He burst into the room with a big smile on his face and yelled "essentially! Essentially! Essentially!"
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize