last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
I know what you meant. If you want babies in time for your birthday, we gonna need either a time machine or a ski mask.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
Is 36 too old to fuck a college student? THIS IS BOTH IMPORTANT AND TIME SENSITIVE
I'm pretty sure my roommate is moving out because her cat likes me better
At least you got some excitement going on, you got weed and might die tonight, I'm just sitting here bored as fuck.
Randomize
