You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
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