if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"
Just paid a $5 cover at a bar I stumbled by so I could puke in a toilet and not in public.
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I seriously had alll four of your knuckles bruised into my arm
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
