He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I've realized that my life is a cycle of high that is only broken by sobering up at work, which only happens because I can't smoke more
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
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