its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
His facebook interests include 'unstrapping velcro'.
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
As I read your response saying I need a tan before I can become a go-go dancer, a girl cane up to work and gave me 10 coupons for 100 days of tanning for a dollar.
This is fate. You were destined to be a stripper.
You very well can't change your mind now. It would upset the natural flow of life.
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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